In Yeezus We Trust


Graphic Credit: Kate Cooper

America: The land of the free, the home of the brave. We use weird units for measuring things, we play “football” instead of “futbol” and we practically coined the term “obesity.” But despite all of these differences, many nations consider the West to be a great role model. Kanye West, that is.

It’s the year 2028 and Kanye West has just successfully finished his second term as President. Now we would like to take the time to reflect on his years in the White House.

When Kanye first announced at the 2015 Video Music Awards (VMAs) that he was planning on running for president, not many people believed him. But they weren’t completely to blame – I mean, Kanye openly admitted to having “…rolled up a little something…” before coming to the awards show. He couldn’t possibly have been thinking straight.

Years later, however, when “Yeezus is the Reason for the Season” signs began sprouting along highways, the American public couldn’t help but wonder if this was part of a joke that had gone too far, or part of a strange political campaign. It wasn’t until Kanye began going on campaign tours when American citizens realized that Mr. West was, in fact, running for president.

Kanye began traveling from city to city performing hit songs as support for his campaign metastasized. Children and grandparents alike could be heard walking through the streets humming songs such as “Gold Digger.” Even Hockaday began to change. Dingy saddle oxfords were soon replaced by green and white platform Air Yeezys. In HAM class, Mr. Long began including Kanye in his lessons about Beethoven, Bach and Schumann; for whatever reason, the skirt rule was finally changed to four inches above the top of the knee. The Hockaday School of Dallas, Texas was doing better than ever.

When Kanye won the 2020 presidential election, American citizens were beyond thrilled. So were politicians in other countries. Putin had always been a secret lover of all things Yeezus, so when Kanye became president, Russian-American relations were somewhat mended. Global trade and tourism improved drastically, as did our nation’s economy. Appreciation for the arts and music increased, as did America’s sense of fashion. The Kardashians were all somehow able to move into the White House where they continued filming their hit reality TV show. It was as if Kanye had created a whole new America.

Former president George W. Bush once stated that “a leadership is someone who brings people together,” and as the great leader of our nation, that’s exactly what President West has accomplished. In Yeezus we trust. Peace out.