The sophomore hallway is a danger zone.

While we aren’t talking Navy SEAL Team 6 ground fights in terrorist compounds, we are talking yelling matches followed by extremely awkward silences.

Silences that sophomore Grace refers to as “More awkward than a rejected side hug.”

And this can be a bit much at 7:30am.

While I like to attribute morning edginess to running on the usual five or six hours of sleep, I frequently find myself wondering what could cause such scenes of terror.

After consulting with a group of fellow sophomores, I believe we discovered the catalyst of the disastrous situation: the sophomore hallway is too narrow.

Careful measurements led us to the conclusion that the sophomore-middle school hallway is approximately three-fifths the width of the other upper school hallways.

This means that for many students, the congregation of sophomores leads to situations in which girls are forced to jump or crawl over their classmates just to make the daily trek to their lockers.

And when you are trying to haul in ten pounds of advisory food, your lacrosse bag, your Toshiba, your books and all of your other necessary school equipment through throngs of students in order to reach your locker, this can lead to a pretty rough situation.

And you thought we weren’t talking about the SEALs.

Sophomore Taylor says, “One day, another sophomore was having trouble getting through the hallway to her locker because she was carrying a lot of bags. She asked someone to move, and an explosive argument broke out.”

Some students attribute the hallway drama to a common personality trait of Hockaday students that is often referred to as “sassiness.”

Sophomore Katy defines Hockaday sass as “Boldness and not letting anyone stand in your way.”

However, in the hallway, not letting anyone stand in your way can lead to problems. This sass must be restrained.

Many sophomores have begun to search for a solution to this cataclysmic dilemma caused by a combination of both a more-narrow-than-average hallway and extreme sassiness.

While many Hockaday girls are proud of their sass, it is recognized that it can lead to sticky situations if left unrestrained.

“Everyone gets mad at other people for getting in the way, but then they do it themselves,” Wyszynski says. “It’s just a situation in which girls should try to be a bit more courteous.”

Sophomore Emily holds the opinion that girls simply need to “be more chill.”

“People can’t get mad at us about taking up room in the hallways, because it’s so tiny. I just want to be able to sit at my locker and do stuff,” she says.

Other students advocate the “blame the middle schoolers” approach, citing banning middle school students from walking through “our” hallway as a reasonable fix.

Sophomore Ashley says, “I don’t think the middle schoolers are supposed to come through our hallway anyway, and it makes it even more congested.”

While I don’t believe that more “official” solutions such as creating designated sophomore rooms or giving out detentions for “sassiness” and “excessive hallway blockage” are reasonable or feasible, I do suggest students reflect before dispensing unnecessary sass.

But whether sleep deprivation is the root of your strife or you simply can’t understand why your Toshiba deleted your English paper for the third time in one week, I suggest refraining from taking out these vexations on the girl using the hallway for its designated purposes: walking to classes and getting to lockers.

I suggest instead trying to imagine something nice. Like hipsters. However, this may not work for you. In that case, try hockapunch. Or finishing the JRP. Or the feeling of success when you try to trip someone and it actually works.

So next time someone asks you to move, try to just “chill” by releasing your stress in a method other than yelling at your friends. I suggest laughter, deep breathing, stretching, or banging something, such as the ground or your locker.

We all know that you, as a Hockadaisy, have mastered the sassy life-style, so there’s really no need to show it off within the confines of our corridors. Save the sass for the rest of the world ladies.

-Hailey