In parallel to the print Foolscast released March 31, 2017, this web-exclusive article was created in honor of April Fool’s Day and all quotes and interviews are fabricated; all was written with consent of those featured. Happy April Fool’s Day!

On March 29, at 7 p.m., a Hockaday student was admitted to Children’s Medical Center with signs of exhaustion. Freshman Shea Duffy arrived at the hospital unconscious and severely dehydrated. Her vital signs were in desperate need of medical attention; her blood pressure was dropping every second.

Arriving home after sports practice, Duffy suddenly remembered that she had an English paper due the following day. The assignment was extremely complex, and with her hectic freshman schedule, Duffy knew she would have to hunker down for the night. After sending a beautifully-worded rant to her friends on the unfair constructs of the American education system, Duffy settled in for a long night.

After 15 minutes of tireless laboring, however, the one page, double-spaced personal narrative won, and she began to feel ill.

“When I realized that my heading wouldn’t take up half of the page as I had planned, I began to feel faint and lightheaded,” Duffy said.

Children Medical Center’s Head of Neurology, Derek Shepherd, M.D., was shocked at the severity of Duffy’s presenting symptoms.

“I have treated a firefighter who saved an entire building of people, and never before have I seen a more overworked patient,” Shepherd said.

Duffy spent the night in the hospital and was released at noon the following day. Since then, she has been recuperating from her near-death experience at home and has a team of doctors attending to her at her house, ensuring her speedy recovery.

“My symptoms have nearly disappeared and I hope to return to school shortly; I almost miss my crazy high school schedule,” Duffy said.