A Wishlist for the New Year

So its 2013. The Mayans were wrong and the doomsday preppers are finally emerging from their nuclear bunkers with dumbfounded expressions and Twinkie crumbs all over their paranoid faces. While that particular brand of human may never re-evaluate their life choices, at the beginning of every New Year the rest of us are thrown into the begrudging annual tradition of setting goals for ourselves.

A check of $5 trillion from America’s fairy godmother. Illustration by Tiffany

But I’ve never been one for tradition.  This year, I’m going to tell you, the Hockaday community, what I want, and I expect you to go make it happen.  We’re all smart capable human beings, and if we make all this happen, we’ll totally get a Nobel Peace Prize or another $20 million dollars or at least a free dress day. Don’t worry, I’ll take all the credit.

I want the following:

1. Some kind of magic dust to sprinkle over D.C. to force government to compromise, negotiate, make efficient decisions, display some critical thinking skills, and not say things they’ll regret (No we mean it, rape is actually that bad),

2. For third-party candidates to gain some real notoriety,

3. For Sarah Palin to slip gracefully back into obscurity,

4.  For Syria and Somalia to get at least as much media coverage as Lindsay Lohan,

5.  A cure for cancer (its cliché but it’s still relevant)

6.  A cure for AIDS (lets cover all the bases)

7. For a flock of  gay, holocaust-acknowledging, free-press supporting, democratic parrots  to permanently circle above the head of  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,

8. For Vladimir Putin to lose one of his shirtless wrestling matches with a tiger,

9. For tamales, enchiladas, churros and quesadillas to become Mexico’s chief export as opposed to drugs and weapons,

10. For America’s fairy godmother to treat us a Christmas check of $5 trillion (give or take),

11. For America’s fairy godmother to realize I do not mean minting a $1 trillion coin,

12. For all the members of the Westboro Baptist church to all lose their voices,

13. And for Obama to age better in his second term than his first.

In the interest of reciprocity I’ll try not to procrastinate, stop staying up late, start enjoying workouts and stop eating like Augustus Gloop in a Cheesecake Factory.  But someone in my advisory is making cake balls tomorrow, so no promises.

Peace and Blessings.