A Single Girl’s Guide to Valentine’s

There’s a reason so many say you have to “survive” Feb. 14. It’s one of the mushiest, most mass-marketed, obnoxious and pointless holidays of the year. When you find yourself alone, just remember that romance and relationships are overrated, and before you know it, it’ll be Feb. 15. Here’s a guide to surviving Valentine’s.

Deceive the enemies.You’re single? Scandalous! We can’t let anyone know that. Just make everyone else think you’re in a relationship. Order Chinese take-out for two. Change your Facebook relationship status to “in a relationship.” Buy two cups of Fat Straws bubble tea and have dozens of rose bouquets delivered to your doorstep. Buy two tickets to see “Warm Bodies” at the theatre. And don’t forget to save a seat with your jacket for your “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”: Yes, this seat is taken; SORRY I’M NOT SORRY.

Spilling an entire glass of two-percent, lactose-intolerant milk. Illustration by Tiffany

911, we have an emergency. Your boyfriend is stuck—where?—in your computer screen. Googling pictures of your favorite celebrity—sorry, boyfriend—won’t do you any harm. Drool over Zac Efron, Adam Krasinki and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. And write them love letters. And don’t forget to mail them, sealing the envelope with your very own lip stain. Muah!

Fun fact! According to Wikipedia, on this day in history, in 1855,Texas was linked by telegraph to the entire U.S. when a connection between New Orleans, La. and Marshall, Texas was completed. That’s a thousand times more interesting than the gift your friend received from her boyfriend (Hint: it’s a box of chocolates or a bouquet of roses.) Also, writer and slave Frederick Douglass was born on this day. Read his narrative, “Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave.” You’ll become both more intellectual and more aware of your history.

Hand out Valentine’s cards. Maybe they belong in elementary school, but you have to let everyone know that you LOVE Valentine’s Day. What better way than handing out cards to all your family, all your friends, all the strangers you meet at the grocery store? Must. Hide. Secret. Loathing. Of. Valentine’s. Day. Ensure that the cards are neutral. Your brother probably doesn’t want a Powerpuff Girls’ Valentine’s card. Attach a bag of conversation hearts and please, please, please remember to deliver cards on the correct day. That’s today. Today, Thursday, Feb. 14, 2013. In second grade I accidentally delivered all mine a week in advance, and some kid asked me if it was already April Fool’s Day.

Meet someone.Bump into someone at a restaurant so that they accidentally spill their entire glass of two-percent, lactose-intolerant milk all over you and offer to pay for your dinner and bond over intellectual conversation about cat videos and the meaning of life, thus falling in love with each other. Or hail a cab (or horse—whatever you do in Dallas) and have someone beat you to it and fight over the cab until you both agree to share it, and then fall madly in love with each other. Or pay your 9-year-old neighbor to dress up in a ninja costume, “rob” you while you’re in line at the grocery store so the handsome guy behind you in line runs out the store trying to catch him but embarrassingly fails and insists on paying for your two stacks of Scooby Doo Valentine’s Day cards, two bags of candied conversation hearts and two boxes of chocolate. Give him a conversation heart, WILL U B MY VALENTINE, as a token of thanks and fall madly in love. Or you could just initiate a conversation with a “hey.”

Love yourself. If Valentine’s Day is about love, the first step to finding love is loving yourself. So buy that entire heart-shaped box (or two) of chocolates, pop in a rom-com and turn on the depressing Indie music. Or take a dance class, bake a crème-brulée and write a thousand-page novel. And when you do find “the one,” don’t restrict exchanging boxes of chocolate and bouquets of roses to only Valentine’s Day. Where has the spontaneous romance gone? A bouquet of roses delivered to your doorstep on Aug. 15 is that much more romantic. Meanwhile, enjoy the single life while you still can.