The Anatomy of a Hipster

Junior Claire provides insight into the hipster revolution

They are everywhere and they are nowhere (because being everywhere is so mainstream). They have feathers in their hair because it shows how free-spirited they are, and they wear fedoras because nobody else does. Surprisingly, there’s a reason for that. And don’t get me started on those “ironic glasses” everyone has started wearing. You know those wayfarers with clear “prescription” lenses? Yeah, I’m sure you’re using those to see better, Patrick Carney. Don’t know who that is? Google him you conventional Bieber lover. What else is there to hipsters besides their indie plaid shirts, and too tight jeans? Well for one, they’ve got that whole triangle thing going on. I think it’s because they were so opposed to being called squares, and thus face ultimate humiliation in the form of conformity, that they took to the route of triangles, and just to spice things up they decided to stick those triangles onto a backdrop of space. Suuuper indie, right?

But being a hipster isn’t all triangles, plaid and Urban Outfitters’ tees. There’s more to them than that. It’s hard to find out what exactly that is though because hipsters are so darn secretive. When asked, how many feathers in the hair makes you a hipster? Six out of six hipsters responded with, “You don’t know?” I tried searching around for a few hipster jokes as well, you know to lighten the mood of the article. But every single hipster I asked for a joke told me that jokes are way too mainstream and walked away listening to that one Black Keys song…you know the one in all those commercials and that anyone with a remote has heard before?

Thankfully, I was given the ultimate opportunity to observe hipsters in their as natural-as-possible-habitat: ISAS. Known to athletes as “I Suck At Sports” this arts festival is a hipster’s paradise, their Mecca. It is the homage to which they live for. Luckily (or depending on how you feel about bus rides, unluckily) I scored a ticket to the festival and was able to take careful notes about the hipster’s lifestyle. What I observed is shocking, exciting and a little scary.

Upon first arriving at the festival I was greeted with hippie headbands (don’t know why though those things give horrible tan lines) lace tights (again why? They do nothing to protect against the cold) and too many plaid shirts to count. Regardless, I found a nice plastic chair to sit on and found that two days had passed as quickly as a sloth traveling from California to New York. But I did not give into the tempting offer of a nap. No, I had a mission to accomplish: observe hipsters. And so I did. And luckily for all of you I have a composed a short how-to guide.

How to be a hipster: First things first, don’t ever admit to being a hipster. Ever. That pretty much screams, I am not a hipster. Next up, do something weird with your hair. Get bangs, layers, dye a streak a weird color, get feathers, braid it funky. Anything to show you are different. My personal favorite change is to go awhile without a haircut, because nothing says I’m cool like split ends. Next thing you need to do to solidify your hipster status is start buying clothes too small and while you’re shopping buy some ironic t-shirts that say something ironic on them. Irony is cool.

As long as you follow that you’re guaranteed to be a hipster. I promise, and I would know I’m as hip as it gets—I wear Chuck Norris tees.